Tag: PTSD

Monday’s with – Me: Pain and the Disease

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Michael never ceases to amaze me with his candidness. It is real people like Michael that keep me real. Please keep an open mind as you read this. Michael is thankfully still with us and working on his recovery one day at a time.  Stay Blissful my Friends! – E

Age nineteen, I’m proud I’m a US Marine, but guess what I got too see?,

my good friend killed right in front of me,

to this day it’s still hard to believe,

how come it was him, why wasn’t it me?

This screwed me up mentally, this is the cause of my PTSD,

this contributed to my depression,

this is when my master became the disease,

I started drinking every day, anything to numb the pain,

I hurt so bad I wanted to go away,

I ate some pills hoping to never wake up,

but I did and my life continued to suck,

when I came home from the Marines, I didn’t realize it, but I was already a slave to my disease,

not only did I lose my friend, I lost my girl,

without Jennifer I hated this world,

it’s all good we’re still the best of friends, her family’s my family,

I’ll love them to the end,

this is how life went on for the next few years, drinking and drugging, trying to cover up the fear…

At twenty two I got in a wreck, I was drunk as hell, man I was a mess,

in the hospital, cut up, bloody and bruised, I couldn’t move my legs, but I still wanted more booze,

at twenty three the next love of my life, this girl was sweet, together for eight years, Vanessa I still love you, I’m sorry for all the tears, the disease had me, I was drowning in the beers,

twenty six was an interesting year, DUI number two I blew a point .262,

second trip to jail, it was no fun, thirty days locked up, nowhere to run,

I prayed to God and told him I was through, went to The Betty Ford Center, to cure the booze,

the second I got out, I found myself in the bar, I was insane no doubt, I was blind, I was lost,

I couldn’t see, always in a cloud from smoking the weed,

then I got introduced to my next friend in the disease, his name was cocaine,

oh my I’m in disbelief, then came DUI number three, I continued on like this until 2003,

that’s when my beautiful Vanessa left, she was through with me,

she was tired of the lies and broken promise, sorry doesn’t fix shit.When you have my problems,

a few months before that my granny died, I never realized how much a man could cry,

she was my inspiration, the only reason I tried, I loved my granny more than anyone,

she never judged me, in her eyes I could do no wrong, then I got fired from my job, and another failed relationship with a woman I loved, I could take no more, the shame, the guilt, the fear, the anger, the depression, the PTSD, the disease was about to finish me,

I went to my grannies grave with the gun in my hand, so much pain it was time to leave this land,

I put the gun in my mouth and said a prayer, God and granny it’s time, I’m getting out of here,

as I was about to pull the trigger, the grave yard was quiet like a whisper,

then out of the blue, a big gust of wind came ripping through, I heard a voice it said don’t give up,

I put the gun down and started to cry, off to The Betty Ford Center for one more try,

I really wanted it this time, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, I continued to try,

relapse after relapse I got my fourth DUI,

I became a liar a cheat and a thief, everything I said I’d never be, man I hate this fucking disease,

then I got serious, I got sober and clean, that was a lie, I drank four times that year,

I thought I had recovered, I’d be alright, I continued to drink and drug for few more years, I was so sick as bad as I wanted to I could not quit…

A Moment of Clarity

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soap bubble bursting 03

Moment of Clarity
AKA – Epiphany
AKA – Disillusionment
AKA – The bubble has burst!
 
I am a huge fan of disillusionment, having experienced many epiphanies – all for the improvement of my inner self. What I love about these said moments of clarity are the sudden opening of my mind, realizing that I no longer think or believe the way I have been all or most of my life. Maybe some of this thinking is cultural, or passed down in my family from generation to generation.
Zig Ziglar once told a story about a woman cooking a ham. Her husband asked why the ham must be cut in two pieces and  positioned a certain way. She replied that this is how my family has always cooked ham.  With her husband’s encouragement, she called and asked her grandmother what the reasoning was behind this method. Her grandmother laughed and replied “When we were young, we had a very small oven so this was the only way we could get it to fit.”

Not all moments of clarity are this cheerful and fun. Some can be painful…as growth usually brings forth some pain.  Sometimes we have to step out in faith to  live our truth. At times this can be perceived as failure by our family members. Occasionally  tribal shaming will happen. At these times, we must accept that we are disappointing our loved ones and own it for the greater good of living in our reality.

Benjamin Bratt stars in this movie, produced by his brother Peter. Though beautifully filmed, it is not an easy movie to watch at times. It tells a real story of generational culture and of beliefs/thought patterns. Tribal shaming appears in a rather violent way. I know this violence all too well. Still, I am glad I continued to watch. 
 
In probably the most powerful performance of his career, Benjamin Bratt’s character “Che” is more than ready to have his bubble burst. For in a beautiful scene alongside Aztec dancers performing, Che experiences a most compelling moment of clarity. It is in this moment, I feel as one with Che.  

Knowing we cannot go on living the same illusion and yet fearful of the unknown. At this jumping off point, either fear will motivate us or faith will. I think sometimes fear gets a bad rap. Fear is a gift, a part of our human nature. It warns us to swerve to avoid a car accident or to avoid going near the flames from a burning building. Fear can sometimes lead us to faith. 

A moment of clarity is as a good a thing as long as it is followed up with action. 
Ask yourself if you still believe the words that you speak or even the thoughts that you think. Are your actions representative of the values in which you are living today? Are you ready to have your bubble burst so you can experience real life? A blissful life?
 
Stay Blissful My Friends – E

Sunday Shot of Bliss IV.

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Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. - Casey Kasem
Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. – Casey Kasem

When I was the little girl, I used to look up to stars and wish myself away from the violence and the chaos of my life. It helped to look up and away from all of the gravel and asphalt. Away from the angry people. Away from that man who used to pull a gun on me on my way to school and then pull the trigger. “Click”.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? (Psalm. 8:3-4)

I always knew I would have a better life, even at such a young age. The stars were not my God, but a representation of the hope I would have in my God knowing someday that better life would be attained.

Source: http://whatwillmatter.com/2012/01/worth-seeing-beautiful-images-to-remind-you-to-spend-more-time-looking-at-the-stars-above-and-within/
It is said that stars represent high hopes and great ideals. I like this concept!

There was a time when my hopes seemed so high. To live in a decent neighborhood, to have a nice home and a car that runs without having to push start it every day.

After all this came to pass, I realized just how not so high these hopes were. Again, I wanted better. I wanted to be better. To be a friend among friends, a worker among workers. To be a better parent to my children. To have something to offer others. To be of service to all of God’s creation.

My hopes and ideals are not too lofty, but they are bigger than myself. I cannot achieve them on my own. That is where a good support group, fellowship or whatever you want to call it comes in. The good news is that there are people who have lived this before and are more than happy to share with each other how they did it!

I have heard this song several times this week. I used to think it was a corny love song. Now as I hear the chorus “Waiting”. I realized this star could represent anything we are waiting on. A life partner, a job/career move, a home, retirement (gulp), the birth of a child, and for some of us just a better way of life (whatever that means).

Keep in mind that waiting, does not mean being slothful  until said “star” arrives. We must work for it. If it just happened, how much would we appreciate it? Just like labor pains; though they are difficult to experience, how easily are they forgotten when that newborn baby is placed in our arms?

I understand labor and working while waiting. Sometimes, it seemed that a bad situation was never going to end. Or more concerning, potentially get worse…and sometimes it did.

Source: http://www.bhmpics.com/shooting_star-wallpapers.html
Source: http://www.bhmpics.com/shooting_star-wallpapers.html

It is said that a shooting star represents a fleeting moment. “This too shall pass”. Thank you God for that one. If I didn’t have this cliché in the back of my head (and also tattooed on my shoulder), I would have lost my mind several years ago.

Are you waiting on a star to fall? Are you willing to work while you are waiting, to overcome the obstacles? Can you accept each circumstance along the way knowing “This too shall pass”? Will you share your experience and empower others along the way?

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

The Little Girl, Her Obstacles and Her Hustle

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Source: Popscreen.com
Source: Popscreen.com

Anonymous, a good word to describe the little girl who existed within the insanity in which she grew up.  Surrounded by two older brothers, an older sister and the many other “cousins”, who belonged to whatever friends her parents allowed to move into their home.

Lost in a crowd of many children, most of whom did not like the little girl.  The ugly duckling that was she, overlooked; nothing special.

Except for her father, who referred to her as “The light of my life”.  The only problem; her dad was a heroin user and dealer.  When he would get arrested and sent to prison,  life would return to utter chaos.

More people moving in with their kids and boyfriends and their drugs.  People sleeping on sofas and the floor.

Not much was expected of this little girl. She would probably grow up to be a drug addict on welfare, with many children.  All of it would eventually become true, though…something happened inside of her at the young age of 6.  She decided she knew more than her teachers and her mother. She would educate herself. The little girl aspired for more.

She did not know how to get more, but she learned…sometimes the hard way. She understood her hustle. Working long hours, turning in recycled glass for money. Sometimes collecting food from churches.

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Proverbs 31 says: “17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable,  and her lamp does not go out at night.” In other words, the Proverbs 31 Woman had her own “Hustle”. 

The bible spoke of this little girl many years before she was born. Before the little girl became a woman.  Her God had already predestined her steps. Though she made many mistakes a long the way, she got better and stronger.

Ganesha is the Hindu god known as the Remover of Obstacles and the God of Success and Prosperity. He is also known as the destroyer of evils and the god of education, knowledge, wisdom, wealth and domestic harmony. In India, no new undertaking, whether it is a new business, a marriage, a new job, taking an exam, or any other endeavor, is started without first making an offering or prayer to Lord Ganesha and asking for His blessing. – 2005, Reverend Jeff Bekasinski

The little girl became the woman that she wanted to be; Someone she liked, someone she loved. No drug or drink could give her a better high and she would not trade this for any euphoric drug in the world. Cocaine having been her biggest obstacle, she was now, clean and sober.

This is a true story. Anyone can own this story. For we all have obstacles in life and we all can overcome them. Some obstacles are less dramatic yet just as real. What obstacles do you want to conquer today?  Are you prepared to own your hustle?

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

Interfaith Heroes

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Faith groups hold prayer rally at Phoenix mosque.

Some believe “Interfaith” is an impossible concept. Because of course religions are the perfect excuse for war and hate right?  Well if you are a person of faith who hates, I have news for you: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Apparently it is more exciting to see the suicide bombings and vandalism that arise from religious differences. This of course, sells more advertising.

There are far more instances of people helping people of other faiths than you will see in the media. The Bible has a nice story about a good Samaritan. It’s a short parable but worth reading. I believe that most faith-based organizations promote love. Extremism was never in the original mission statement. However, we as humans are prone to err. Sometimes rather large errs.

09/13/2011 Bystanders lift car to save biker

Ha! You thought this was going to be about some violent religious unsettling didn’t you?!!

I remember watching this video in amazement back in 2011. The definition for bystander is:

by•stand•er(ˈbaɪˌstæn dər) n. a person present but not involved; onlooker.

Well I guess these were not your normal, everyday bystanders…But what I was observing were the various ethnic backgrounds, races, classes and yes religions behind these “bystanders”. I don’t think one person there said, “Wait, who does this biker worship? Who do you worship?”. No, all this dogma was left by the wayside for the greater good of saving a human brother’s life. Wow! I hope I would have it in me. Don’t you?

This form of assistance is not new. Again approximately what year was The Good Samaritan story first shared?

1993 Billings Montana

A white supremacist group started harassing the Jewish population right before the winter holidays. The surrounding churches started posting pictures of menorahs as a show of support. This began the “Not in our Town” movement. The town was so successful at implementing this that the racial threats and violence were silenced.

About that time my former husband and I were raising three children in an apartment just outside of Northridge, California.  I had met the Muslim neighbors who lived on the first floor. We did laundry together and just chatted about anything that came up. My former husband was leery of these people…they were Muslim you know. I had not yet started my journey of  ignorant thinking so I continued to be friendly with them.

I remember they once invited us to an interfaith gathering in Pacoima, California. My ex-husband expressed that under no uncertain terms were we to participate. I didn’t argue. Mostly because I was just so tired from raising three little ones and working a full-time job.  Plus I had about two weeks of laundry to do…

4:31 a.m. Jan. 17, 1994.

In the middle of a strange dream, it felt like God had picked up the Earth and then just dropped it. BAM!! I immediately jumped out of bed, trying to call out for my daughter in a louder voice than the thunderous sound of the world shaking around me…in complete darkness. Only clothed in a nightgown, I had to quickly find something to wear so we could get the heck out of our apartment.

Carefully, we made it out. Broken glass all over the floor, the refrigerator popped out of its nook and slid to the edge of the entry door.   We converged to the front lawn of the building with the other residents, watching as explosions lit up the otherwise black sky and trying to remain calm as the aftershocks rocked the very foundation under us. I had experienced earthquakes before and they had never frightened me like the 1994 Northridge Quake.

I was worried about my boys, who were spending the night in Mar Vista with my mom and we were unable to get an outside line from our apartment before we got out. I had no idea if they got hit as badly as we did. Our Muslim neighbor, quietly said to me, “We have access to an outside line, follow us”.  With gratitude, we followed them to their apartment and I was able to contact my mother and form a plan to meet up at her home.

I never saw my Muslim neighbors again. Just about everyone in the apartment building moved out within a day or two after 1/17/94. Nevertheless, they will always be Interfaith Heroes to me and I send light and love to them on occasion, never forgetting their good hearts.

Developing a friendly rapport with a neighbor, without considering our differences in faith is, well a neighborly thing to do. Because we all are companions in this great community we call Earth. You never know if your fellow citizens might be the one who could help you with some kind of traumatic situation or if you will be the one who will stand in the gap for someone other than yourself – regardless of our beliefs.

Anyone can be an Interfaith Hero! Yet it doesn’t take an act of heroism to be a good person among persons. I do believe however, that being a good neighbor is a great start to having a blissful life!

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

Made a Decision…

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C.S. Lewis wrote, “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”

Ah, the anguish of indecision. There are worse challenges, yet there is nothing like having to make a decision.

I once heard a speaker share, “If you cannot make up your mind whether to get a haircut or not and then you end up staying home due to indecision, well you just made the decision not to get your hair cut.” Sounds simple enough, but listening to this man made me shift in my seat uncomfortably as I imagined trying to make that very decision.  I still feel a little twitch as I am typing this.

I am well-known for my indecisiveness and if my husband wants any peace of mind, he knows it is best NOT to ask me where we should go to dinner. I once stayed up for hours trying to decide where the Christmas tree was going to go now that we had a new sofa. This was in the month of June…

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. – Alcoholics Anonymous

Of course, I have also had to make tremendously difficult, life changing decisions. Like putting down the drug and drink which helped me eventually make a decision to leave an abusive relationship, let go of a toxic friend, and move on from a long-standing employment status that no longer worked for either party.

The abusive relationship was the most difficult if you can imagine. I changed my mind but thankfully he made it easy to change my mind again and permanently. In the end, it was best for all of us. It was one of the greatest decisions I ever made. From there on out, I was looking for decisions to make: Angora or Cashmere? Highlights or my natural color? Red dress or Blue dress? Heels or Flats?

Okay, I’m over it now and can honestly admit that I am still indecisive over the little things. But indecisiveness does not paralyze me anymore. How does one let go of this type of stagnation?

  • Make the decision to turn it over to your God.
  • Have a mentor/counselor/clergy – anyone you can trust wholeheartedly to discuss your choices with. Always have a good support group of people whether family or friends or both.
  • Trust your gut instinct. I cannot say this enough…TRUST YOUR GUT.
  • Don’t over think.  Have you ever heard of Analysis-Paralysis? I. Have. Lived. It.
  • Always check your motives. This is another form of a gut check.
  • Know your values.  This is important. Your decisions should always align with your values – again gut check.
  • When  you make this decision – Stick to it.

“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.”
― Elbert Hubbard

After the decision has been made, recognize the courage and strength it took to accomplish this…and I am talking about the little decisions as well as the big ones. Sometimes it takes baby steps and when the baby takes a step, we celebrate. We don’t say “Baby, I will be impressed when you walk a mile”…

For you more decision-challenged people, I recommend keeping a decision journal. Really. It is always good to look back on these victories. Relish them. Remind yourself that you can do this decision-making-thing.

So I ask you to please join me in making a decision to…Have a Blissful Day!

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

If you liked this,  check out: Let Go, Keep Going, or Start Over

Sunday Shot of Bliss II.

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There is Nothing New & Everything Changes…

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One of my favorite scriptures,  Ecclesiastes 1:9 says ” What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun”. Trent Rezner confirms this in these brilliant lyrics:

I am just a copy of a copy of a copy
Everything I say has come before
Assembled into something into something into something into something
I don’t know for certain anymore – Nine Inch Nails (Copy of a)

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My husband and I had the opportunity to attend a NIN concert last year and it was indeed life changing. I know, they are “just” an alternative music group. NOT! The energy and the lyrics are something anyone can grasp on a spiritual level.  Additionally ethereal, this show took place at Red Rocks in “God’s Country”. Red Rocks is a majestic outdoor temple in Jefferson County, Colorado.

When I was in my 20’s, I was more ambitious than I am today. Hard to imagine. Yet when I failed at something, or worse lost an argument it was as if the world stopped spinning. Things like this could put me into a 6-month depression. An emotional state of Vertigo.  Fortunately for me and my loved ones I did a little growing up in my 30’s.

Rich Mullins spoke of failure in a television interview, “Once we stop worrying about failing, we are now free to succeed.”  Other good people shared these wonderful clichés: Easy Does It, First Things First, Progress Not Perfection, and This Too Shall Pass.

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This Too Shall Pass is one of my favorite mantras. People of knowledge and experience know that good times and bad times come and go. Nothing is permanent. This concept has never and will never change. Yet the Buddha taught the lesson of Anicca (Everything Changes). “Anicca is a Pali word for ‘impermanent.’ The Buddha taught that everything conditioned is impermanent. To be conditioned is to be dependent on or affected by something else, and Buddhism teaches that all phenomena, including beings, are conditioned.” – Barbara O’Brien (About Buddhism)

So while everything changes, there is still nothing new under the sun. This paradox might be confusing. But it is best explained as: Change is permanent and it is continual  – it has always been and will always be.  Knowing this we are able to accept that our circumstances have already been subjected to by others before us, will be experienced by someone else someday…AND they will also pass! (Anicca)

Have you ever wondered why we can look at a picture, or read a book for the second time and have a completely different interpretation?  I remember in the  90’s, Edward James Olmos directed and starred in a movie called “American Me“. Where I was at with my traumatic childhood memories, hindered my ability to appreciatee this movie. I hated it and I hated EJO.  Some 20 years later, I watched the movie again. Wow! What an excellent representation of a part of my culture. I didn’t have to like my past or where I came from but I was now ready to respect it. (Anicca)

I am armed with the realization that I was not the only one who had faced these types of traumas.  I am not alone. And even better, I might be useful to someone else who might undergo the same.  I believe we are all universally connected. We are designed to be there with and for each other, to encourage, build up and empower one another!

And if you are still not convinced that there is nothing new under the sun, take a gander at the “historically based”picture below:

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Stay Blissful My Friends – E