Vulnerability is Not A Safe Place

LivingElysian, Yoga, Spirituality, Quality of Life

I’m a coward. At least for today.

A few years ago, Brené Brown’s Rising Strong became an all-consuming topic on social media. The memes continue to be shared by many today. These words were incredibly powerful. I wanted in!

Of course, it was easy to live these words in my decision to leave my long-term position at an amazing company to start my own business. Business is an easy place for Elysia to be “Brave”.

Of course, it was easy to live these words in a loveless marriage, where the walls I had spent many years tearing down began their reconstruction.

Of course, it was easy to live these words as I walked away from said loveless marriage and chose to live by myself in an RV down by the river.


“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” – Brené Brown

Sounds good yeah? Well no. Not for me. Vulnerability is not a safe place for me. Not today. Don’t get me wrong. I have complete admiration for Brené Brown. I follow her on Twitter and Facebook. I especially admired a picture she posted of herself with no makeup, no filter. This lead to a personal decision to stop wearing makeup and embracing the gray. Accepting what one looks like is true courage. This too was easy.

But when it comes to Love, true Love…Nothing is ever easy.

Too Soon?

So, I met a guy…Not just any guy. A remarkable man with a strong spirit. Chivalrous, funny, intelligent, brilliant…the list goes on. This was NOT planned. I fell hard and fast. Well, maybe not too fast but exceptionally fast for me.

We are two extremely different people. He is conservative, preppy even. I am this wild woman spirit. He does not partake in my colorful language, does not do Yoga. Yet we connect on so many fundamental levels. And what an incredible writer he is – totally kicks my a$$, I might add. After many months of experiencing zero inspiration, I found myself passionate again about putting words together.

This gift came with distance, he lives on the East Coast and I am here in Colorful Colorado. Safe enough, yeah? No. I frequently found my heart being pulled in the direction of the east. Daydreaming, listening to love songs…and we had only hugged once.

He surprised me by flying out to Hawaii to celebrate my recent Advanced Yoga Teacher Training graduation. It was on now! We embarked on a most passionate love affair, the likes of which I had never known. Soaking in the Big Island experience, we spent 5 days of bliss, laughter, and total comfort with one another.

He was a trooper, staying the first 2 nights with me at a hippy shack I rented in Pahoa (not knowing I would have a guest), before deciding we needed to move on to a bed and breakfast in Captain Cook.

I can’t remember having laughed so much. Corny jokes, silly pet names…what a blast! And so much love. People could see it, often commenting to us how “cute” and “in love” we were.

Has it been the most ideal of romances? No. But just right. Just Elysian. Irregardless 😊 of the distance, he has been present with me at each given moment.

We made plans to see each other when we could. A 5-day visit last week here in Colorado. Hawaii again next month, then the Spring, many different possibilities. Our visit last week was euphoric for the most part, and then…

Vulnerability

Wait, what happened? How did I let myself go this way? This man knows me. He has seen my messy hair, my imperfections. My snoring, drooling, clumsy, cellulite, needing a haircut Elysia. Then there is my inept ability to let my “street” come out every now and then, using “ain’t” and combining words that make absolutely no sense to anyone else but me.

And what do I really know about him? What if he’s a womanizer? If he were, would I still love him? The answer is an unapologetic “Yes”.

I know enough to keep my side of the street clean and to trust someone until that trust has been abused. I also know that expectations are future resentments. I have a past. We all do. So, I choose not to judge what I don’t have 100% knowledge of in any circumstance.

We agreed to take a short break. Then this watery substance starts to flow out of my eyes. Oh hell no.

Trainwreck

I just watched Trainwreck (again) with my daughter last night and found myself admiring the main character in the beginning of the show. “Maybe I should move to New York and be a slut“, I said to my daughter. “There’s no shame in being who you are and accepting it”. To which, my daughter replied, “If that were what you are mom, I would support it. But that’s not you”.

Dammit.

Additionally, I forgot that Trainwreck is not just a comedy but a rom-com. The leading lady meets a man who is so different from her – he is quite conservative. This is sounding all too familiar and when the male lead talks of Norman Rockwell and his love of Billy Joel, my head starts to hurt. “I need to turn this off.”, I say to my daughter. She steals the remote from me.

I’m totally feeling it when the female lead expresses her concerns about vulnerability with her sister. Though she uses a far more colorful analogy than even I would use (can you imagine?). The movie rolls on and the couple breaks up. Now, this makes sense to me. Alas, with every rom-com there is the makeup scene and everyone lives…

This is so not real! Monogamy is not realistic. People do not live happily ever after. Am I bitter? No. More jaded, more careful than anything.

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Vulnerability Part II

The last two years of my marriage were so easy. My ex-husband didn’t love me and I knew where I stood. No questions to ask. Safety.

I have indeed, fought with my monsters. But am I ready to take this journey of vulnerability? Why complicate things by getting lost in emotion? Tomorrow is another day. So for today, I am a coward, comfortable in the safe place of my fear.

Fortunately, I do not have to sit in my fear alone. Having a good group of friends, who love me unconditionally, is my saving grace.

For today, I would rather take a drink than be vulnerable. In fact, the thought of being vulnerable makes me crave a drink. Good thing it is time for a meeting, where I can surround myself in the safety of my GOD.

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

The Throat Chakra – Be Real

The Throat Chakra is representative of creativity and communication. I have recently experienced a rebirthing of my originality and voice on the mat. Also, Living Elysian has just moved thru a rebranding process.

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When I decided to get certified as a Yoga instructor, I had many expectations of myself. I wanted to be one of those deep, spiritual teachers, full of wisdom. Practically imagining floating above the mat, ha! Always, believing in “To thine own self, be true.”, I have accepted my sailor’s language.

Anywhere else but the mat. My expectations brought me to the point that I would become frustrated seeking the right words. Consequently, I managed to hinder my throat chakra. I believed my true words do not belong on the yoga mat. Well, F*ck that! In addition, this followed me off the damn mat.

Accepting oneself goes everywhere with us. This includes our presence in our Yoga practice. Fortunately, my beautiful students appreciate the “Real” Elysia!

A blocked throat chakra can drastically impact our ability to communicate efficiently. Mainly due to the fear of scorn or judgment. This may demonstrate as an inability to voice and realize our truth. When this chakra is unlocked and balanced, we have the ability to express ourselves with clarity and honesty. Clear and honest in any situation with full confidence.

When I was practice teaching at the Ashram in Hawaii, I started off with a quote by Martin Luther King Jr. My instructor expressed that this was nice, however, he expects me to share my story. As I was writing a sequence the other day, I found myself going to quotes again. Remembering my teacher’s words, I scribbled out the quote and wrote: “Share your story”!

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Did you know that a throat chakra blockage may also manifest itself in the physical realm? Here a just a few physical symptoms:

  • Chronic sore throat
  • Recurring headaches
  • Dental problems
  • Mouth ulcers
  • Throatiness
  • Thyroid imbalance
  • Laryngitis
  • TMJ
  • Neck pain

Non-physical signs of blockage common signs:

  • Fear of speaking
  • Inability to convey thoughts
  • Shyness
  • Speech and action inconsistencies
  • Social anxiety
  • Repression of creativity
  • Stubbornness
  • Detachment

I can so relate to most of these symptoms. But the good news is, we can unblock our throat chakra. How do we do this, Elysia?  I am so glad you asked!

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Meditate on and incorporate the throat chakra’s color, blue. Implement this color into your home and wear the color more often while feeling said blockage.

We can work through and release all negative emotions. This includes guilt, pain, and resentments. Enjoy a good cry. This may help considerably. I have a girlfriend who can cry at the drop of a hat. Does this represent weakness? I don’t think so. Admiring her strength and courage to show emotion, she has become one of my ideals!

Practice mindful speech, action, and deeds. Speak openly and honestly with others often.

There is nothing wrong with who we are! Authenticity may be an overused word, but it is a necessity in keeping our throat chakra open.

Be you. Be real. Love and appreciate you and your realness! Rise above it all like the mutha-f*kkin phoenix you are! And stay blissful my friends – E

Moab, Utah

“The Biblical name Moab refers to an area of land located on the eastern side of the Jordan River. Some historians believe the city in Utah came to use this name because of William Pierce, the first postmaster, believing that the biblical Moab and this part of Utah were both “the far country”. However, others believe the name has Paiute origins, referring to the word “moapa” meaning mosquito.Some of the area’s early residents attempted to change the city’s name because, in the Christian Bible, Moabites are demeaned as incestuous and idolatrous. One petition in 1890 had 59 signatures and requested a name change to Vina. Another effort attempted to change the name to Uvadalia.Both attempts failed.” – Source: Wikipedia


This weekend, I took a road trip with the hubby to Moab for the Canyonlands Half Marathon. The stay was far too short. We are now setting a plan to visit, sans running competition.

It is mid-March and the temperature was 83 degrees! Being surrounded by red rocks is surreal. Unfortunately, I did not find time for Yoga. However, I took a nice walking meditation alongside a creek and it was blissful! Again, too short a trip. I did find this:

MOAB UNDER CANVAS GLAMPING YOGA RETREAT JUNE 2-5

hmmm…maybe my daughter and I can attend!

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Moab is quite an attraction for runners, cyclists, Jeepers, and art collectors. You will find great hiking spots, especially the Arches National Park. The Petroglyphs are a stunning sight as well.

If you find yourself in Moab, UT, take some time to visit Hogan Trading Company. With its spinning sculptures, we found it difficult to leave this serene gallery!

Incestuous and Idolatrous?

I think not! We did find some time to find a local AA group and the people were down to Earth, inviting us to go bowling afterward. I feel the namesake “The far country”, is a far better description. Moab, UT is a whole different land in and of itself. Friendly environment, beautiful scenery, and a whole lot to do.

The Canyonlands Half Marathon

The course follows along a breathtaking panorama of the river to Hwy 191, turns east, then heads to the finish at Swanny City Park in downtown Moab.

The Canyonlands Half Marathon Philosophy states: In addition to striving for logistical perfection (an admittedly elusive goal), Moab Half Marathon, Inc. seeks to give back to the community and landscape that makes our events possible. We donate proceeds from the races to charities and non-profits, contribute to a scholarship fund for local graduating seniors and sponsor road cleanups for the three half marathons. We work to reduce the environmental impact of our races through various green initiatives, too. Additionally, our staff are involved in numerous community organizations, including Girls on the Run and the Grand County Cross Country Team. Source – http://moabhalfmarathon.com

 

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He’s pleased with his time!

 

Afterward, the hubby says to me, “I need a RedBull.” My reply, “Baby, you just ran 13 miles, you earned the right to put in your body, whatever toxic sh!t you wish!” Though I would never drink that garbage, I think to myself. Consequently, I am craving a RedBull the next day.

I tried to convince the hubby to stay an additional day, but he was determined to return home. I am determined to return to Moab, UT!

I’m ready to “Pause”

1984 Klymaxx burst onto the music scene with “The Men All Pause”! Although not anthemic, the song became a regular chorale for myself and many young women of the 80’s!

meno – From Greek mēn ‘month’. pause – Late Middle English: from Old French, from Latin pausa, from Greek pausis, from pausein ‘to stop’.

Here we are 30+ years later and it is now time for us ladies to “pause”. Myself included. As of one week ago, my doctor exclaimed to me “Welcome to Menopause!” After hanging up the phone, I looked in the mirror and smiled. “So this is me, “Menopausal Elysia.” She looks good, considering. I am okay. I am ready for whatever life has to throw at me.

I am ready to pause.


Being Comfortable in Our Own Skin

In a recent blog I wrote “How to be Comfortable in your own Skin”, I shared about accepting that God designed woman to go through these many stages in life. We get to experience hot flashes, scattered mind, clumsiness, and irritation because we are alive and we are women!

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The day after hearing the news, I am trying to meditate. “I am in Hell!” My head feels like it has been stuffed in a furnace. Sweat is dripping down my face. How do I stay in the moment and be comfortable in my own skin when my body is totally on fire? I will soon come to find that returning to the breath and meditation is actually helpful for shortening the length of these said hot flashes.

I’ve been finding myself having to “pause” a lot throughout the day, thinking if I stay perfectly still, I won’t sweat as much. Getting ready for work is starting to take much longer due to these “pauses”. This is NOT comfortable at all…

A few hours later, I am visiting the acupuncturist. Because of my history of DVTs (blood clots), my doctor wants me to try this method first. My skin has become a lovely pin cushion for an hour and I have been prescribed a Chinese herb called, “Zhi Bai Di Huang Wan”.

My Facebook Posts

October 11 at 10:31 pm:  Did I just put the wax paper in the fridge? Why is it so damn hot in here? And why is the hubby heading out to the mountains? ‪#‎shitjustgotreal ‪#‎menopause ‪#‎thestruggleisreal

October 12 at 11:22 am: You know you’ve reached middle age when the Facebook adverts are now for readers and no longer for smoking hot boots. ‪#‎Menopause ‪#‎TheStruggleisReal

October 14 at 7:45 am: My morning meditation – Om gam gana-I am on fire! Just breathe-pataye namaha. Om gam-did I remember to pack my apple?-ganapataye namaha. O-Is that sweat dripping down the side of my face?-m ganapataye namaha. Breathe Elysia, breathe, you can do this….Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha…

October 14 at 8:25pm: Today just kicked my @$$…

Something is Working

I can’t complain too much. My mom was evil when she went through this. So far, I’ve had some irritation with the hubby but not to the point of open mouth/insert foot syndrome. Hopefully, we started treatment in time.

The Chinese herbs are a little rough on the belly so I get to buy some probiotics next! However, after 3 treatments of acupuncture and less than a week on the herbs I have to say there is a noticeable improvement. The hot flashes are not as intense and have decreased in length.

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As a new hot flash begins, I find myself “pausing”. I close my eyes, take a cleansing breath and then begin to count each additional breath. By the 15th breath, it has passed. Ahh, relief!

I still take Benadryl to sleep through the night, but I am sleeping! I have purchased a pocket carabiner fan that I keep on hand at all times. In addition, Doterra sells a great roll on called Clary Calm which helps some. Yes, my life is changing and I am adding new essential items as the result. But this is okay, because this is all part of the process of being a woman, and something is working.

Diet and Exercise

Endurance is not something I possess, therefore am a true believer in Yoga. But due to the additional pounds I have picked up, I have added Yoga Sculpt at my local Core Power Yoga to my routine. The Yoga keeps me strong and grounded. The Yoga Sculpt burns energy.

Due to a back injury, my doctor suggested that I lose 30lbs. I have been on the Ketosis Diet for 2 months and have lost 18. Thanks to the almost zero sugar intake, I feel better than I have in years!

I am Okay. I am This Moment. This Too Shall Pass.

Over the years I have learned some brilliant lessons:

  • I am okay. This is not going to kill me.
  • I am this moment. I don’t have to like it. I can appreciate and respect it.
  • This too shall pass. It’s not always going to be like this.

Because of these exercises, we can have patience with ourselves when we have to “pause” for the most recent hot flash, or look for the latest item we have misplaced. We can also have compassion and tolerance for those around us when they make their mistakes if we “pause” long enough to let our frustration simmer.

Take a moment to “pause” and reflect on this very moment. Take as many “pauses” as you need.

Let’s Remember Where This all Started

Don’t forget that life is a dance, cue up some Klymaxx, move with it and have some fun!

 Key Points in Dealing with Menopause

  • Pause when you need to.
  • Return to your breath and count slowly.
  • Get comfortable in your own skin.
  • Adjust your diet and exercise accordingly.
  • Research and buy items that will make your life more comfortable.
  • Vent on social media if you need to.
  • Remember, this is only for a short time.
  • Be kind, patient and loving to yourself.
  • Dance, who cares if anyone is watching

Affirmation

Oh! It_s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week. In a worthy moment of peace and bliss. S. O_SadeRead more_ https_www.spiritbutton.comfriday-weekend-q

 Now Go!

Be fierce, loving, accepting, without judgment towards yourself or others.

A Love Letter To Myself

My Dearest Elysia,

It has been a long time since I have sent you words of love and encouragement. How does time go by so quickly? I can’t even remember the last time I whispered positivity into your ears.

I know how much a loving whisper means to you. Yet, I find I have completely taken all that you do and are for granted. Worse than that, when I do give you any attention at all, it is in the form of criticism. I am so sorry…again.

How can one overlook your kindness towards others? Your empathy when a friend or loved one is hurting. How I love the way you celebrate with others’ successes. Elysia, you always seem to bring a smile to someone who needs it.

Your fun nature can put aside any difficult situation and gather contagious laughter. Remember when you told Satyam about your new Yoga style concept: Hot Flash Yoga! You got a laugh out of a serious guy!

Elysia, this past year you have suffered gastroparesis and pain severely. Yet you continued to suit up and show up for life.

So I guess, I did show you (Elysia/myself) a bit of love when I took care of my body. Maybe I just needed to be reminded that I truly love you, Elysia. Thank you for being the warrior queen you encourage your sisters to be in their lives!

Please never forget how much I love you, Elysia.


When was the last time you wrote yourself a love letter? Can you do so today? I would love to see what you come up with in your words to self. 

Fall in Love with yourself this Valentine’s Day – And stay blissful my friends!  – E

Venturing out of Your Comfort Zone

Have you ever found yourself in a hurry to get someplace difficult? Like I was once driving in a hurry to the possible end of my marriage. That was uncomfortable.


My most recent trip outside my comfort zone was to Puerto Rico. This would be my somewhat secluded location to launch my new Virtual Consulting Firm, eFFICIENT VIRTUAL PARTNERS! I felt the need to get someplace warm and be focused.

I had never been to Puerto Rico before and always wanted to visit. It was beautiful! But lonely. No one spoke English and Verizon does not work so well out there. So, I could not rely on a GPS. I got lost…a lot. Regardless, I enjoyed the view and discovered many beautiful spots.

Unfortunately, my asthma did not like it so I had to cut the trip short a week. Though I had time to work, play and reflect on my life as it is today.

I found that I had little to complain about. There is plenty in my life to be grateful for. Additionally, I found much work to do in regards to my life. I could be less selfish, love my Alanon partner, and be more assertive.

The biggest step out of my comfort zone was leaving a great job of 11 years to branch out on my own. 2017 had just begun, so these were HUGE changes. Yet, I felt ready. I am ready. It is not easy. It never is…easy. Though, in my heart of hearts, I knew it was worth it. It IS worth it.

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I returned a little less battered and a whole lot prepared. Life is a perpetual state of growth. A shifting. Are you ready to venture out of your comfort zone? What is the first step you need to take?

Venture the f*ck out of your comfort zone…and Stay Blissful My Friends – E

Let Go, Keep Going, or Start Over

I am not alone in knowing what it is like to be in a bad marriage. Said marriage lasted 16 years. Most likely 10 years too long. But I was young and tenacious. I also held the belief that divorce was the ultimate failure. I like to think I am older and wiser these days.

I also know what it is like to be in a long work situation, where things are constantly changing. Sometimes, the changes are difficult. Other times, change is much welcomed. The main constant would be the collaborative and diverse culture of my workplace. In addition, the challenges and continual opportunities to grow in knowledge, skills, and experience. Quality experience.

Fortunately, I have also known what it is like to start over. This can be the scariest decision of them all. Though worth it in every way possible. If you have never tried this, you might be due for some starting over.


They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  That would be the best description of my first marriage. Growth did not truly happen until those latter days when I started my plan to move on. For the most part, I was treated as a second-class citizen. No matter what accomplishment I made, it was reacted upon as another threat to our “family”. I fell for it several times. Until the day I realized that nothing was going to change. So I made the decision to do so.

We had just moved to Northern Colorado the year before and I had just landed the best job of my life. The husband decided to clear all the funds out of our account so that I would not have enough money to hire an attorney or move our kids out of the home. Fortunately, I had developed some strong resources. Nevertheless, I knew that it was going to be a long, difficult road.

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Photo by Andrea Boldizar

 

Of course, my family back in California suggested I come “home”. But I felt home. Moreover, I had this great job, which also provided me with another “family”. So I took a risk. I stayed put, held onto my job and got the divorce.

Several years have passed and I am still enjoying my position as Executive Assistant to the VP of Supply Chain. We have had good times, bad times, tough times, and short times to take a few breaths.

Five years ago, I entered into my second marriage. A completely different vibe in and of itself. Because I learned to teach others how to treat me as well as treating others how I want to be treated. Mutual respect. Was it scary to do this? Hell yes. Has it been worth it? More than anything I could have imagined. I found a husband who loves a lot of the things I do, as well as enjoys his own things. We are both fiercely independent, yet enjoy quality time together.

My husband has never been married. Yet I had, and I was not too interested in beginning a new marriage at first. Fortunately for me, neither was he. But we finally came to the conclusion that we wanted to grow old together. Thus, I started over again with the title “wife”. I am grateful for this decision to this very day.

What would be the difference between these situations, Elysia? I am glad you asked!

 

Let Go

  • When growth is stunted or downright reversing for a long stretch of time – Let go.
  • When you have exhausted all resources such as counseling and even prayer, and the behavior never changes – Let go.
  • When the circumstance or relationship affects all your other relationships with loved ones negatively for a long stretch of time – Let go.

Keep Going

  • When issues arise, yet progress is made and it sticks – Keep going.
  • When the momentum and commitment are aligned with your personal values – Keep going.
  • When you truly see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel – Keep going.
  • When you are not in agreement but have full trust in the process – Keep going.

Start Over

  • When you have exhausted all of what should be and are ready for what actually is – Start over.
  • When you can have an open mind and clear vision – Start over.
  • When you fully trust your spiritual growth – Start over.
  • When you know you have a true passion for experiencing the unknown – Start over.

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Photo by Luis Llerena

An important tool for deciding which path to take is a simple list of Pros and Cons. I know this from experience. Making a decision based on emotion is never a good idea.  So time for reflection and research has always been extremely helpful to me in my decisions.

Where are you today? What is the first step you need to take toward making a decision? When you do indeed make the decision, stick to it.

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

 

Keep up the Pace

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Photo by Francesco Gallarotti  Unsplash.com

I am a marathon runner. I ran the New York City marathon and almost died. I tried to run, like, a two-minute mile early on in the race. I was crazy enough to think I could win. After seven miles I thought I would die, but I slowed down my pace and kept going – Sean Combs


I find running to be a fascinating art, sport, and spiritual activity. Unfortunately, I do not possess the endurance to participate. My husband is a runner and I love to ask him questions about his running.

Today, I wanted to know all about pacing. Particularly when a runner finds himself, or herself going faster than originally planned. The potential of burning out and losing time is a huge possibility.

“What do you do? How do you get yourself to slow down? Is that even possible?” I was overloading him with questions. Fortunately, he loves to talk about running. The hubby explained to me how a runner’s mindset is crucial when this happens. “Because it feels good running that fast, we have to keep in mind, the goal – the purpose.”

He further explained the mind of an experienced runner, who has probably done this on one occasion or another. So in addition to the physical and spiritual art of running, there also exists, the mental.


Such is life when we have a specific goal in mind. I have found myself obsessing over a new business idea, process, or application. I have also looked at the clock at times and asked  myself where the time had gone.

What has worked for me is setting smaller goals to achieve the bigger ones. One particular time management system “Getting things Done“, has been extremely helpful to me when important achievements were made these past few years.

We have the choice to approach our goals as a sprint or a marathon. Whatever works for the individual. For myself, it depends on which juncture in my path I am at the moment. Because there are also the occasions when we do have to speed up the pace.

“being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.” – Colossians 1:11-12


Where are you in your journey? Are you pacing or sprinting? What action do you need to take? Slow down or speed up, just keep moving. Stay Blissful My Friends – E

 

 

 

When it’s Time to say “F*ck This”

One of my favorite meditation videos is called “F*ck That: An Honest Meditation”. There is so much truth in this little gem of a film. Being that it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I have to reflect on the many times, I might have been better off just saying “F*ck This”!


In hindsight, I choose to say these two words as a form of continually empowering myself to be the spiritually strong, badass, warrior-queen that I am today.

  • He’s at my work all through my shift drinking coffee and letting my male customers know that I am his girlfriend. – F*ck This.
  • He warns me of organizations I might be remotely interested in, being too authoritative, lax, weird or maybe even cultish – F*ck This.
  • He associates a comment I have made to a good looking guy who just walked into the room – F*ck This.
  • He gives his ex-wife my phone number without asking or informing me about it, then proceeds to have a heated argument with her for 2 hours – on my phone! F*ck This.
  • His ex-wife is included in our holiday gatherings…including Mother’s Day. F*ck This.
  • He continues to struggle with decisiveness over me vs. another woman. Sometimes said other woman is his ex-wife. F*ck This.
  • He “jokingly” hits me in the face with the basketball. ­ – F*ck This.
  • He is not interested in my successes or knowledge, rather compares me to other successful women. – F*ck This.
  • He is threatened by the kids and all the money I spend on them …after we go school shopping. – F*ck This.
  • He is threatened by a cookie when I express that it is “better than sex”.  F*ck This.
  • Every time I gain a new friend, he accuses me of having an affair with her husband or he starts flirting with my friend, – F*ck This.
  • After 10 years together, he still shows up at my office with no notice and just walks down the hall without checking in with reception. F*ck This.
  • When the boys get older, he keeps throwing them out of the house because “they are trying to tear our marriage apart” – F*ck This.

Okay, I finally said “F*ck This.” But before I really commit to it:

He convinces me to give him another try, even takes me out dress shopping so we can renew our vows. We then announce it to the kids. Two days later, I am served with divorce papers.

So the nicest thing he ever did for me and my children was to say “F*ck This.” Because, the truth is, I was no gem of a wife. Regardless, I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED – NOBODY DESERVES IT.

Nobody deserves to be gaslighted and have their minds f*cked with constantly. He wasn’t even cute. Well maybe sometimes. And sex was great whenever he was afraid of losing me.

I cringe at all the times he told me that he owned my p*ssy. Wait, what? Shouldn’t I have left then? Probably. But I didn’t. Furthermore, I no longer should on myself. And neither “should” you.

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Time to move forward, or build your new foundation. Just don’t look back. You are better than that. The next time you find yourself thinking of what you coulda, woulda, shoulda, just say “F*ck This.”

Stay Blissful My Friends! – E

Honoring Mom and Dad

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“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. – Exodus 20:12

I once read that the number 21 represents Mother and Father. I am no expert in numerology but this thought has remained with me. Especially lately as I have applied the meditation practice I learned from the Ashram. After the Guru-Gita, we would meditate for 21 minutes.

Thinking about Mother and Father, male and female energy, Yin and Yang, Father God in Heaven and Mother Earth. Even in engineering parts, they design male and female parts, and some plants need to cross-pollinate.  So many examples God has given us. For good reason. So we can reflect on the power of creation,

Today, I felt led to honor my parents. They may not have been the ideal mother and father, yet I believe they were exactly the parents God intended for my life.

Dad and I did not see each other for years at a time due to his incarcerations.  Mom checked out quite a bit. Yet when I needed sage advice in my younger life, Dad was the one I turned to. After he passed away and I got sober, my mother became one of my best confidantes and friends.

My father never got to see the miracles in my life from sobriety. My mother did. When I got sober, I really had no thoughts of improving my relationship with mother. It was just an amazing added gift of the program and from God!


You may have had an absent parent or a terrible relationship with one or both. Perhaps, someone told you that your father was a “sperm donor”. Regardless, we all came from seed and egg. We can honor the two people who came together to create us anyway. This is a good practice we do for ourselves.

Because we were created from Spirit. God chose and used these two beings to create the wonderful being that is you. For that reason alone, we can find some way of honoring them.

Can you see yourself honoring your parents today? If not, what can you do to get closer to doing so?

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

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