Category: Domestic Violence

When it’s Time to say “F*ck This”

EV3 Comments

One of my favorite meditation videos is called “F*ck That: An Honest Meditation”. There is so much truth in this little gem of a film. Being that it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I have to reflect on the many times, I might have been better off just saying “F*ck This”!

In hindsight, I choose to say these two words as a form of continually empowering myself to be the spiritually strong, badass, warrior-queen that I am today.

  • He’s at my work all through my shift drinking coffee and letting my male customers know that I am his girlfriend. – F*ck This.
  • He warns me of organizations I might be remotely interested in, being too authoritative, lax, weird or maybe even cultish – F*ck This.
  • He associates a comment I have made to a good looking guy who just walked into the room – F*ck This.
  • He gives his ex-wife my phone number without asking or informing me about it, then proceeds to have a heated argument with her for 2 hours – on my phone! F*ck This.
  • His ex-wife is included in our holiday gatherings…including Mother’s Day. F*ck This.
  • He continues to struggle with decisiveness over me vs. another woman. Sometimes said other woman is his ex-wife. F*ck This.
  • He “jokingly” hits me in the face with the basketball. ­ – F*ck This.
  • He is not interested in my successes or knowledge, rather compares me to other successful women. – F*ck This.
  • He is threatened by the kids and all the money I spend on them …after we go school shopping. – F*ck This.
  • He is threatened by a cookie when I express that it is “better than sex”.  F*ck This.
  • Every time I gain a new friend, he accuses me of having an affair with her husband or he starts flirting with my friend, – F*ck This.
  • After 10 years together, he still shows up at my office with no notice and just walks down the hall without checking in with reception. F*ck This.
  • When the boys get older, he keeps throwing them out of the house because “they are trying to tear our marriage apart” – F*ck This.

Okay, I finally said “F*ck This.” But before I really commit to it:

He convinces me to give him another try, even takes me out dress shopping so we can renew our vows. We then announce it to the kids. Two days later, I am served with divorce papers.

So the nicest thing he ever did for me and my children was to say “F*ck This.” Because, the truth is, I was no gem of a wife. Regardless, I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED – NOBODY DESERVES IT.

Nobody deserves to be gaslighted and have their minds f*cked with constantly. He wasn’t even cute. Well maybe sometimes. And sex was great whenever he was afraid of losing me.

I cringe at all the times he told me that he owned my p*ssy. Wait, what? Shouldn’t I have left then? Probably. But I didn’t. Furthermore, I no longer should on myself. And neither “should” you.

warrior

Time to move forward, or build your new foundation. Just don’t look back. You are better than that. The next time you find yourself thinking of what you coulda, woulda, shoulda, just say “F*ck This.”

Stay Blissful My Friends! – E

When the Past Stops by to Say Hello

EVLeave a comment

DSC_1085

Photo by Satyam Ehinger – Konalani Shambhava Yoga

We are having our first group check-in. Abhaya and Satyam explained to us that usually around this time in the training, past emotional events might come up. They asked us each to share if this had happened. I shared my gratitude to Alexa for covering me during clean up because I was having “medication” issues and went straight to bed at 5PM, missing dinner and my chores. There was not much brought up at this check in.

However, the next day as a few of us were sitting around during one of our breaks, I came clean with a memory that popped up in my head as I was falling asleep the night before. Everyone at the Ashram knows I have a history of domestic violence and I felt that I was in a safe place to share this:

I was about 3 or 4 and had my first “boyfriend”. I believe his name might have been Joey and he was either my age or a few years older. We played behind the big couch in my living room and peck-kissed each other.

One night, he slept over and we both woke up very early. I remember the filtered light through the curtains and the stuffy smell of a home with closed windows and lots of bodies living within its walls. The house was still, as everyone was asleep.  We went down to the kitchen and Joey turned on the stove. He placed a butter knife over the flame and then on my arm. “Does this hurt?” he asked. I shook my head “no”.  He then placed the knife on the flame longer, then back onto my arm. I screamed so loud, I woke up the whole house, possibly the whole neighborhood.

burners_by_katastrophey
Source: DeviantArt.com Photo by Kara Pritchard

I have no idea what my dad did about it and would always be afraid to ask. I do know the boy was never a house guest again. I still have the scar on my arm to remind me of this event.

Back then, in the 70’s, parents would have smacked that kid into the next week, not realizing how much help he probably needed. Are we able to see this behavior in children at such a young age now? I truly hope so. I have no resentments toward that young man. I pray he received the help he obviously was in desperate need of.

In addition, I wondered if this might have set the wheels in motion for my ability to find myself in abusive relationships throughout the earlier part of my life. Might this have set the precedent for how I expected to be treated? I have no idea, I am not a psychologist. Just pondering the idea.

What a gift, to have people in which, I could share this very personal information. Nobody could actually relate or have any answers to my questions. Yet my classmates gave me exactly what I needed – compassion.

Sometimes, all we need is an ear to hear our story, not necessarily to be fixed by some bumper sticker quote. Don’t get me wrong. I love bumper stickers! Yet there are occasions that silent eye contact and possibly a hug is all that is necessary.

If we want to take it further for our friend, we can always pray, chant, and send good energy.

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

Domestic Violence/I Know

EVLeave a comment

I know-PA-EVALDIVIA8

I found this worn out tattered paper with a poem I had written many years ago. It was during a particularly difficult time in my life. I was sitting with a group of women who were staying at a domestic violence safe house. Their stories were heartbreaking and powerful. I felt a great bond with each woman there. We lifted each other up and decided to write.

Back then, I had a strong desire to give back, or pay it forward to women who have experienced domestic abuse. Two of my kids were still under 18 and I spent the next few years raising them. I am now an empty nester.

Not believing in coincidences…I was recently contacted by Alternatives to  Violence, a local organization in Northern Colorado. The director asked if they could use my poem on their website or Facebook page. Of course, I said, “Yes”.  Further into our discussion, I expressed the desire to volunteer for ATV. She welcomed this and I submitted my application yesterday.

DV is something I have known my whole life.  Thinking about this a lot the past few days. I penned another poem:

I knew a woman for a little while.

She had the most beautiful smile.

Her smile could almost distract you from her blackened eye.

I just could not understand why.

Who would want to hurt such a beautiful creature?

Is this what marriage is, would this be my future?

Everyone is so quick to judge,

Without knowing why a woman does what she does.

No one gave her a hand up or kind offer.

Instead, they chose to gossip about her.

I can still hear those unkind voices.

Whispering ugly tales about her poor choices.

Surely this last beating was her fault.

Of course, she deserved this recent assault.

But I saw her kindness and admired her strength.

To help a friend, she would go any length.

Though I only knew her for a little while.

She taught me rather well how to smile.

I look forward to continuing in my journey of lovingly encouraging all in their quest for inner peace while endeavoring to supportively empower spiritual living. I hope to pass on to others, that which was passed on to me by some pretty incredible women.

If you or someone you know are in an abusive relationship, there are wonderful resources out there to help you get out. Just reach out your hand and ask for help.

Stay Blissful My Friends – E

domestic-violence1450724267