Monday’s with – Me: Pain and the Disease

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Michael never ceases to amaze me with his candidness. It is real people like Michael that keep me real. Please keep an open mind as you read this. Michael is thankfully still with us and working on his recovery one day at a time.  Stay Blissful my Friends! – E


Age nineteen, I’m proud I’m a US Marine, but guess what I got too see?,

my good friend killed right in front of me,

to this day it’s still hard to believe,

how come it was him, why wasn’t it me?

This screwed me up mentally, this is the cause of my PTSD,

this contributed to my depression,

this is when my master became the disease,

I started drinking every day, anything to numb the pain,

I hurt so bad I wanted to go away,

I ate some pills hoping to never wake up,

but I did and my life continued to suck,

when I came home from the Marines, I didn’t realize it, but I was already a slave to my disease,

not only did I lose my friend, I lost my girl,

without Jennifer I hated this world,

it’s all good we’re still the best of friends, her family’s my family,

I’ll love them to the end,

this is how life went on for the next few years, drinking and drugging, trying to cover up the fear…

At twenty two I got in a wreck, I was drunk as hell, man I was a mess,

in the hospital, cut up, bloody and bruised, I couldn’t move my legs, but I still wanted more booze,

at twenty three the next love of my life, this girl was sweet, together for eight years, Vanessa I still love you, I’m sorry for all the tears, the disease had me, I was drowning in the beers,

twenty six was an interesting year, DUI number two I blew a point .262,

second trip to jail, it was no fun, thirty days locked up, nowhere to run,

I prayed to God and told him I was through, went to The Betty Ford Center, to cure the booze,

the second I got out, I found myself in the bar, I was insane no doubt, I was blind, I was lost,

I couldn’t see, always in a cloud from smoking the weed,

then I got introduced to my next friend in the disease, his name was cocaine,

oh my I’m in disbelief, then came DUI number three, I continued on like this until 2003,

that’s when my beautiful Vanessa left, she was through with me,

she was tired of the lies and broken promise, sorry doesn’t fix shit.When you have my problems,

a few months before that my granny died, I never realized how much a man could cry,

she was my inspiration, the only reason I tried, I loved my granny more than anyone,

she never judged me, in her eyes I could do no wrong, then I got fired from my job, and another failed relationship with a woman I loved, I could take no more, the shame, the guilt, the fear, the anger, the depression, the PTSD, the disease was about to finish me,

I went to my grannies grave with the gun in my hand, so much pain it was time to leave this land,

I put the gun in my mouth and said a prayer, God and granny it’s time, I’m getting out of here,

as I was about to pull the trigger, the grave yard was quiet like a whisper,

then out of the blue, a big gust of wind came ripping through, I heard a voice it said don’t give up,

I put the gun down and started to cry, off to The Betty Ford Center for one more try,

I really wanted it this time, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, I continued to try,

relapse after relapse I got my fourth DUI,

I became a liar a cheat and a thief, everything I said I’d never be, man I hate this fucking disease,

then I got serious, I got sober and clean, that was a lie, I drank four times that year,

I thought I had recovered, I’d be alright, I continued to drink and drug for few more years, I was so sick as bad as I wanted to I could not quit…

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